Letter to Me

Dear Awesome,

Hey, just want to give you a heads up; you’re about to move to California which will be great, but (Spoiler Alert!) nothing will really work out how you thought. Sucks to be you. I kid. But really, it sort of does. Now, I’m not saying it won’t be a good diversion from the norm, but if you’re equating success with the completion of an internship, you’re about to fail like a winner. If John Vesely were a fortune teller, he’d probably say really emotionally that you’re about to experience multiple twists in your story (you’ll see it more like two u-turns…or four lefts, but whatever). Anyways, just wanted to do you a solid and give you a quick rundown of a few things to expect while you’re down there.

You’ll live the first couple months at the house of a retired pediatrist who owns a pig-cat. That’s right, you’ll be sharing space with the feline equivalent of a Pug–a Persian. Your paths will frequently pass and every time they do, you’ll wonder why anyone would purposefully own a pet that looks like it’s been slammed in the face with a snow shovel. Even when you write this, you won’t have a good answer for that one. You’ll believe your time with pig-cat will only be temporary because, as you know, your paid internship is already set to begin in three weeks. Don’t worry, it does. Unfortunately, instead of a year-long internship, you’ll pull up just shy of that. Actually, you’ll pull up alot shy of that. You actually won’t have one there. On the first day, in a surge of paranoia, your supervisor will call you a liar and it actually goes downhill from there. Surprisingly, you won’t be really all too upset when he asks you to leave three days after you begin because you’ll realize that you’d rather work with the mentally challenged, not for.

You’ll meet a guy who will not only teach you how to surf but will also try to set you up with his daughter. Nice guy. But, I say try because the culmination of your three dates during the Christmas season will look similar to that of a bad romantic comedy. You’ll break your nose surfing just hours before meeting/taking her out for the first time. Don’t worry though, the swelling will take most of the attention off of the bruising. Date number two will result in her paying for both of your beverages because you’ll take her to the only “cash only” coffee shop still in existence. And, apparently you’re a glutton for punishment because you’ll attempt a third date. I’ll save you the suspense; you get bit by a tick which will leave you spending the majority of a Saturday at a walk-in clinic. As soon as you read this, make it a point to give everyone a call who has ever called you Don Juan and apologize for misrepresenting the name. Even after all of that, though, she won’t write you off. Count your blessings.

Roughly the same time you’re finishing up your antibiotics for the prevention of lyme disease, you’ll be hired on as a counselor at an organization called Advent Group Ministries (a drug and alcohol treatment program for teens) believing that through this company you’ll be able to accomplish the requirements necessary for your internship. I think you know where you’re going with this. Your clientele will mostly consist of individuals on probation and who are gang-affiliated. When you tell people this, they’ll compare you with Tom Berenger from The Substitute, although a better comparison would be with Jon Lovitz from High School High.

For the first month or so, while running group sessions, your clients will make it a point to regularly tell you who you look like. These doppelgangers will include, but will not be limited to: Justin Bieber’s gay uncle, Val Kilmer, Carlton from Fresh Prince, a crash test dummy, Jimmy Neutron, and Ned Ryerson from Groundhog Day…you’ll see it as rapport building. But, like your first internship, this too will have a relatively short shelf life.

After a few months, you still won’t have any countable internship hours, and you’ll be encouraged by your school to pursue work in Washington. Again, sucks to be you. Kidding. But really, it sorta does.

You’ll wish you could take back calling an older coworker one of the “ladies of the night” after she wins an award at the staff Christmas party. You’ll find it ironic being carded to see 21 Jump Street. You’ll eat the best burger you’ve ever had at Naglee Park Garage (look this up and you’ll start to understand: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_Z3HANKeI0). You’ll come dangerously close to failing your written driver test. You’ll embarrass yourself trying on wetsuits.Your property manager will inform you she conducts seances. You’ll eat more Domino’s Pizza than anyone probably ever should. You’ll spend sixty bucks for a car repair that consists of two zip ties. And, after seven months, you’ll realize you have to make the decision to leave. No worries though; it won’t take you too much by surprise because at this point, change is pretty much par for the course.

Sure, you’ll hit some dead ends in this maze, but you’ll soon realize that each dead end brings you one step closer to your destination…I’m sure that too will me made clear in hindsight. Welp, you gotta go. You have packing to do, and zip ties to buy.


You, Yourself, and I


~ by jontroll on April 13, 2012.

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